Category Archives: humor

Fun With Spam

One of the joys of running a blog or a website is getting spam.  My spam comes and goes in waves, sometimes I’ll get one or two per day, once I got nearly 60. I go through my spam to make sure I don’t ever accidentally filter out comments, and in the process, I’ve found that there are several basic groups that most of my spam falls under.

I’d like to take you on a wild ride through some of them.

“Website traffic doesn’t come easy these days. It’s hard and it usually takes a long time. In many cases, too much time… So much that you might be ready to call it quits. Someone shared a web traffic service with me on my website and I want to share it with you. I was skeptical at first but I tried their free trial period and it turns out they are able to get hundreds of visitors to my website every day. My advertising revenue has increased tenfold. Check them out here: [CENSORED LINK]“

The best analogy I can think of for this is someone walking into a restaurant, receiving a meal, and then standing up and shouting at the top of their lungs, “I know a guy who’s really good at promoting restaurants, so maybe if a manager or waiter is listening, you might want to talk to me!”

I understand this must occasionally work or else they wouldn’t do it, but I can’t filter into a separate context. I guess one of the differences is that when you shouted in the restaurant, the other patrons could gather around you, box you in, and cause you literal physical harm.  And I guess that can’t really happen on a website, unfortunately.

A similar genre…

Hello Web Admin, I noticed that your On-Page SEO is is missing a few factors, for one you do not use all three H tags in your post, also I notice that you are not using bold or italics properly in your SEO optimization. On-Page SEO means more now than ever since the new Google update: Panda. No longer are backlinks and simply pinging or sending out a RSS feed the key to getting Google PageRank or Alexa Rankings, You now NEED On-Page SEO. So what is good On-Page SEO?[CENSORED EXTREMELY LONG, DETAILED, UTTERLY RIDICULOUS DESCRIPTION OF "GOOD ON-PAGE SEO"] ….wait there’s even more Now what if i told you there was a simple WordPress plugin that does all the On-Page SEO, and automatically for you? That’s right AUTOMATICALLY, just watch this 4minute video for more information at [CENSORED]

There’s a guy someplace imagining how I’m going to go over this and say, “Well this kind commentator sure knows what he’s talking about.  My goodness this is scary;  I don’t have time to fiddle around with h1 tags or to make sure my links contain my keyword and I don’t do html, and what the heck am I ever going to do about this awful situat- HOLY CRAP THERE’S A PLUGIN AND A 4 MINUTE VIDEO I CAN WATCH AND FIX EVERYTHING?  TELL ME MORE GOOD SIR!  TELL ME MORE RIGHT NOW!”

Moving on from straight up advertisements…

“Many thanks for this article. I’d personally also like to convey that it can become hard when you are in school and starting out to establish a long credit standing. There are many learners who are simply just trying to endure and have a protracted or beneficial credit history can be a difficult element to have.”

Thanks for your comment! I was just complaining that magic systems in first person games have started to develop an unfortunate tendency to devolve into a secondary gun slot that uses manna instead of bullets, but I can see how that would make you think about credit standings.

“Travelled on the internet and got here. What a wonderful invention of mankind . Through a network communicate , study , read … So you met .”

Sometimes spam teeters between making sense and making you double take. For instance, this person is very excited about this newfangled world-wide-web.  Good for him.

Greetings, super job, basically wasnt so busy with my searching I just read your full blog. I should say i have to express gratitude!

I shouldn’t make fun of this one, maybe it was just written in a foreign language and translated poorly? I seem to recall reading an article at one point that described a fair number of spam operations as being sweatshops in foreign countries. Unnamed worker, I already feel bad that you’re being forced to work a morally dubious job in probably fairly terrible conditions so that you can provide for your family on a doubtless insufficient income. Insulting your English feels like I’m crossing a line. I probably should have let that one go through on the off-chance a worker somewhere would get a pay-raise from it.

This post concerning SEO gives remove picture for new SEO users that how to do SEO,whereupon reserve it up. Good work

Not sure about this one though. Ignoring the grammar entirely, I’ve already shown a very detailed comment above that was telling me I needed a lot of help with SEO.  So at the very least, I already know you have lower standards than most of my other readers, and I’m inclined to ignore your advice.

“#uname, maybe you ‘re right. But do not overlook the back of this issue. Here can see the Old by your question [CENSORED LINK] Christmas tree coupon Oh and do not forget the main issue raised in the topic.Source Code – Pong Clone | Latinforimagination”

And this is just insulting. Your stinking code is all broken. I even know exactly what your problem is – you’re not handling edge cases.  Your comment generation stuff doesn’t know what to do when it’s not replying to something with a readily available username, so it just throws the default field in. But look, this is easy to fix.

There.  It’s not elegant, but it will work, and you won’t even need to edit any of your ‘fill up textBlock’ code to integrate it in. I have to ask though, if this whole system is automated, is there a specific reason you couldn’t come up with a more readable comment to copy and paste to articles?  You’re smart enough to set up a bot to do your spam for you, but can’t proofread your comment to try and get it to make sense?

“whoah this weblog is wonderful i like reading your articles. Keep up the good work! You know, many individuals are looking around for this information, you can aid them greatly.”

Back to the spammers that actually care enough to type in coherent sentences.  It’s the small details that I’m really grateful for, like the comma in the compound sentence. They did miss a period and some capitalization, but heck if I’ve never had erors on this blog, so I suppose it’s not my place to throw stones.

Spam length varies as well.  Some spam, like what you see above, is long and flowery, assuring me of my place in a world of uninformed masses, wildly searching for my tomes of knowledge. And some is more succinct.

“Nice man”

This is then followed by somewhere around, and I am not even remotely exaggerating here, 46  links to different profiles on a personal branding site. But I’m guessing I’m meant to think the top line was the main point and the rest of it just an afterthought.

Hey, at least they’re better than the posts titled only with word like :

“Deniskrav”

I’ll be honest, I don’t know what this means.  I’d like to assume it’s just in another language, but it’s quite possible this isn’t even a word.